I'm just plain old PISSED!!

I don't understand life.  I don't understand anything.  I am hating everything right now and because I am miserable I just feel like I don't understand why I have to continue to live this existence that I hate.  Yet today another friend has lost their battle to cancer.  He had come to know Christ and I was so envious of the relationship he finally achieved with the Lord after many years of struggling through life.  So....please freaking explain to me.  Why when this man found peace in his faith, found the Lord and made someone like me envious of the growth he achieved...WHY does he have to die now.  Why couldn't he stay here longer to touch new lives, be a living testimony of the struggles he conquered??  Especially when there is someone like me who is just tired of dealing with the struggles and would give anything to join my own mother and grandmother in heaven.  I'm not afraid of dieing because I know that there is something more amazing there in heaven than what is hdon'ere on earth.  I wake up everyday just miserable with dealing with the same crap day in and day out.  I try so hard NOT to tell people how miserable I am because I don't want to be this pathetic peice of crap that is getting on everyone's nerves.  I am not stupid and I know everyone is just tired about hearing about MY CRAP.  I really don't think there is anyone who understands me or what I am going through.  Especially when I find out this week the my "value" is very little.  That someone can only think of THREE things that I am valuable for.  I THOUGHT I was more valuable than THAT.  But then the reality hits me smack dab in the face leaving the ugly black eye that I have to look at everyday in the mirror reminding me that I am just one of those people who really have no good purpose in this life.  I'm just plain old tired.  I wish I didn't have to work full time and even have to work two jobs during the summers.  I fantasize how nice it would be to not have to work, but I have no choice.  I barely make enough money to pay the bills and if I dont keep going day after day, I will lose everything.  It just sucks knowing that I have not been able to completely be able to care for my own needs.  I am embarrassed that my family has had to step up so many times to help me.  And what sucks even more is that there is no way I will ever be able to pay back my friends and family the things they have done for me. 

Wow, I will go back and read this someday and will be so mad at myself for even typing this.  Just don't feel like I have anyone to go to because I am tired of being such a burden to everyone.  I am tired of the pain I have been experiencing since my last Radiation treatment in December.  I just feel like something is wrong, but local doc seems to think everything is fine.  Just go see a counselor.  Whatever.  Yes I am depressed....crap I have been depressed for years that is nothing new.  But the pain is real.  The pain is here with me everysingle day.  And I just want to shake people to death when they act like they think I am just being a baby, or making it up.  Some people say, "you need to be stronger"  my response to that now is Fuck that.  I have had to be STRONG my whole freaking life.  I just want to be done with it.  I have two sides to me.  I have the side that I wish people would recognize me and acknowledge the pain I am going through and be more understanding and kind.  Yet the other side of me just wants to be the person I feel everyone seems to think I am.  And that people would say....she was such a good person and was an insperation to others.  But that unfortunately is not the person I am.  Instead I know I am a self centered person constantly NEEDING confirmation from others to feed my own ego.  And something else I don't understand about myself.  I can not figure out why I can never seem to learn from my own mistakes and lessons.  Why do I constantly repeat stupid mistakes and continue to make my own life so difficult.  I have no one to blame but myself.  And I know how to accept the truth that I do these things.  I just know that I do truly believe that if you are going to do a say something stupid that you need to at least have the balls to be able to own up to it.  If you get caught doing something stupid, it just makes sense to admit to it and let it go.  That of course never takes away the damage.  But it can shorten the blow.  I think people who try to continue to lie themselves out , just get buried deeper and deeper.  Through experience I have learned it is just totally not worth it.  Fess up, own your mistakes and most of the time people are shocked by the honesty that it solves the problem immediately and you can move on.  It never goes away though.  Those stupid choices stay with you forever and they just corrode your soul. 

Oh well. I just needed to vent...this kinda seems to be the safest place because I know that no one reads this blog.  Maybe I will feel  a little better after I have my CAT Scan done tomorrow and see how my progress is going.  Wish me luck.  Maybe I can get my oncologist to take me serious and listen to me when I try to explain the pain that I am experience.  But the night time meds are kicking in and I am nearly going to pass out on my laptop.  UGH.

~TaTa for now~
Tracy