I'm feeling a Theme for the week!!!

So, this new question pops up on Sunday during church, and appears to have been haunting me ever since. Not only has it been haunting me but I have been bothered and shocked at how some of the responses have been.

 "What would you do if this was your last year on earth, would you change anything or do anything different?"

Very loaded question!! My first thought was...spend as much time as I could with my family and make sure all of my friends know how much I love them.  Imagine my surprise when hearing people respond to this question with answers like I would go on a trip, buy their dream car, go skydiving or go in a hot air balloon. Those items appear to be a "bucket list" to me.  Would those things be nice....Well Duh!!  But not everyone has the ability to afford a "bucket list".

So two days later on the daytime talk show THE TALK.  I am surprised to hear almost nearly the same question asked by Julie Chen.  AND, the question was brought up to Sharon Osbourne, "has Cancer changed you and how you live your life now?"  Again my thought is obviously ...DUH!!!  I love Sharon Osbourne and I am a fan of hers and admire her for beating her colon cancer.  I have not a bad thing to say about her. But she has a privilege that not all cancer patients have...money. (during her treatments, she could focus solely on her family and her health, pretty sure she wasn't worried how the medical bills would get paid) She then brings up Michael Douglas and how happy she was for him to hear he is beating his cancer and she reminds everyone how Michael went out there in the middle of his treatments when he was sick and went on a Roller Coaster ride with his children. Yes, I saw that same photo in the People Magazine.  And yes, I agree it is awesome to get to make those memories with his children in the off chance he may not be able to do it in the future.  But now at this point, I am crying.  Not every cancer patient has disposable income or unlimited income to get to do those things with their families.  Here I am, a 40 year old single  mom with two college age girls (racking up student loan debt) with cancer who happens to have a $10,000 total out of pocket deductible per year. I am drowning in debt and right now all I want is to be able to NOT lose my house.  So, yep, I am unable to control myself and I sent an email to CBS directly to The Talk show and addressed the fact that Yes...Cancer patients lives do change.  Our whole world changes!!!  But since I do not have an unlimited access to money, all I can do is stop worrying about what I look like, love my children with all of my heart, make sure my family, friends and church members KNOW how much I love them.  If this was my last year on earth, I want to do it spending time with people and touching people's lives.  Because when I die, I will be beautiful, and there will be no cancer, and I will know I loved with all of my heart.  How beautiful is that?!?!

Of course I do not expect to hear back from CBS, but I sure felt good when I hit that send button.  Until...I got to work, and my silly little brain is STILL thinking about this subject.  I began to have memories of my mother who was very sick for the last ten years of her life. Ten years ago she almost died from Necrotizing Fasciitis (the flesh eating bacteria), then spent the last 5 years of her life on daily dialysis at home (yes, seven days a week).  Because of her diabetes she had her leg amputed a year before she died. And officially went to heaven  on November 2, 2009 from H1N1.  My mom and the entire family suffered for ten years watching our Mother, Wife, Daughter, Sister, Aunt, Cousin and Friend slowly dieing in front of us.  And whoda thunk she would die from the Swine Flu....after all that other stuff???  Ok...so back to the subject.  I can remember my mom had a "bucket list" so to speak.  She had voiced on many occasions her dream to take all her kids and grandchildren on a Disney Cruise.  How she would give anything to see the happy faces on her family even though she herself knew this was a trip she could not phsyically do.  It makes me cry...I miss her.  But, if I DID have unlimited access to money, and I wasn't worried about a mortgage, student loan and medical debt.  I would give anything to take the 19 family members and go on that Disney Cruise.......for my mom!!! And darnit, I wish I would have put that in the email to CBS (**grins**) And for all of you who know me very well, I am the family photographer...imagine all the amazing happy and beautiful moments I could capture and record for my family. The memory of a lifetime. 

Then today I get an email from my lady church group facilitator stating what she would like to focus on for this Thursday nights meeting.  Due to some very recent suicides within our community (three in the last 9 days), with a heavy heart she feels that we should have an evening of prayer, for ourselves, families, friends and our communities.   Again, just the thought of this very subject of death makes me want to cry.  I feel horrible for the families who will have to live with the loss and confusion of the suicides that were committed in the last 9 days.  I feel horrible for the lives affected in the Arizona shooting, for those lives lost and the ones who need prayer and healing, and I feel horrible for the young boy who shot his vice principal to death in Omaha a few days ago, then shot himself. 

Again, I am stuck trying to figure out why this whole idea of death, and what would we change has appeared to be the theme for the week. All I know is this very flawed human being wants to spend what could be my last year on earth (or years for now since I do not believe this is my last year). I want to spend it following through with the list of twelve things I want to give up each month in 2011. I want to grow in my faith, and I know through God I will succeed in this.  I also want to go out of my way to be as kind, helpful and loving to everyone I can.  I may not be able to buy things, but I can help other's (pay it forward per se) AND...make sure that every person I love....truly knows how much I love them, and how much I appreciate them and what a difference they have made in my life.  If I can do all of that,,,,I would die a happy person!!!!

~Momma T~